When Did You Know You Wanted Children?

Do you want children? Lately it seems nearly every one of my friends and acquaintances has either just had a baby or just announced a pregnancy. I’m not kidding, it’s been one or two per day for the past few weeks. Now, I know this is to be expected and can at least be partially attributed to the nature of Facebook, but what’s surprising is… well the surprising fact that I’m, seemingly, now in the minority. To be clear, I love my friends who are parents and I love (or at least like) their children. I’m thankful to have known almost all of them before they became parents because it’s incredible to see how they’ve translated their passions and skills into parenthood. Friends who love Star Wars now have little girls who hum the Imperial March while playing with toys (this is a true and amazing fact), friends who love snowboarding now have daughters who just signed up for lessons, and friends who never thought they’d ever have kids have just fallen head over heels for their new baby girl who’s already been introduced to the magic of drone on vinyl. But, this is also strange new territory. After the early converts of our mid-twenties, this second wave of new parents and second (or third) time parents puts in to stark relief the fact that I am 32 and have no inclination towards motherhood. Like me, most of my friends are now in their early to mid thirties, a time when one might normally be thinking of parenthood, some even craving it. But I’m not. I'm thinking about my career and planning a road trip and where we should go out this weekend and other things that have nothing to do with reproducing. And I’m often left to wonder, while yet another girlfriend confides in me just how much she wants to become a mother or how much she just loves babies, if I’ll ever have that feeling? A few years ago when I first announced my engagement to Chris on this blog, many were quick to congratulate and say what cute babies we’d have, and while I’m appreciative of that sentiment and understand the thought behind it, who’s to say parenthood is a goal of ours as a couple? And yet, as ages 27 and 30 came to pass – the age my mother was when she had me and then my sister, and as 35 looms in the future (when she had my brother), I can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever have the intense desire for children like so many of my friends describe.

I understand that this ‘feeling’ doesn’t necessarily hold bearing on whether or not you’ll ever have children, or that you won't become a great parent regardless, but I believe women are primed, by everyone from their mothers to the media, for the expectation of feeling some inclination towards motherhood at some point. We’d constantly being fed messages about how we should feel the desire to have a baby, about raging hormones and dreams of motherhood. So, what happens if you don’t feel any of that? When do you know it's the right time, or any time? On the other end of the media spectrum is the crazy, single, childless wild women, the spinster, the cold-hearted bitch. With cats. And a career.

The internet is chock full of essays and articles profiling those who choose not to have children, who make the conscious decision and grand declaration with their partners to steer clear. Conversely, there are more than enough articles extolling the virtues of motherhood and children. I’m not into any of it. I want to read about those in my shoes, who have no fucking idea. Who feel like they should want children by now, right? Who have a partner they know would make an amazing parent, but are left doubting their own ability to care deeply for something other than their spouse/partner... and cats. What about those of us in the middle who just don’t know? Chris is far more comfortable around kids than I am. He’ll easily drop to the floor to play with a friend’s kid, while I’m left rigid, offering a stiff “hello there” and maybe a handshake or a painfully awkward hug. It’s embarrassing and I immediately become self-conscious about my behavior. Our families are, thankfully, not pushy on the matter.

The one thing that’s given me pause lately is this image and caption from Humans of New York. “The full human experience.” I love this. I loved reading even just a small excerpt from someone who wasn’t sure but consciously decided to do it anyway, simply for the experience of having done it.

So, that’s where I’m at. I’m curious, do you have kids? Have you always known you were destined for parenthood? Are you unsure and caught in the middle like me? Do you not give a fuck and just own it?

Image of us and out "baby" by Mandy Fierens